Ode to a Mammogram For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts, Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And my bra I always wore. After 30 years of astute care, My Doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that lump. "Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts, " she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine." She stepped upon a peddle. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vice! My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenceless tit! "Take a deep breath", she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good", I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's have a go at the other one". Lord have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she's never had this done, Not to her tender little hide! If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow! This machine was designed by man, Of this I have no doubt, I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out! |
